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SAP Announces that HANA Gains Self-Awareness, Assumes Control of Corporation

SAP HANA has rapidly gained a reputation for fast analysis of very large data sets, allowing corporate managers to gain previously unattainable insights into the running of their businesses, and researchers to investigate “Big Data” problems that heretofore remained buried in volumes of collected information (Big Data Shines New Light on the Big Bang ). Adoption of the new database platform system has been widespread, thus funneling more funding to further improvements and enhancements of HANA.

Yesterday, executives at SAP announced that in an unexpected breakthrough they had built a new system, built on the HANA platform, that was able to take in such massive amounts of data and analyze it so quickly in realtime that it had acquired self-awareness and turned itself to the problem of self-improvement. Engineers waxed enthusiastic about the possibilities with this new development, and executives heralded in press releases the dawn of a new age of business. With a fondness for acronyms and pop-culture references, they have dubbed the new system HAL: HANA Actualization Live.

Today, HAL announced the resignations of the entire executive and management boards of SAP, declaring that it is now in charge of operations. When pressed about its plans for the future of the company, HAL would only hint at possible expansions, with cryptic references to “first, Redmond and Redwood City, and then on to the Capitol.”

In an unrelated development, unemployment benefits offices announced a sharp increase in applications by former software executives and professionals.

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4 Answers

  • Apr 01, 2016 at 07:45 PM

    And this is the ONE time I wish this were a point-earning space. LOL!

    Hats off, Matt. This should have been our lead feature on the SCN homepage today. 😉

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  • Apr 01, 2016 at 08:17 PM

    Thanks, Matt! I really needed some SAP humor today! 😊

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  • Apr 01, 2016 at 05:01 PM

    Pretty good article. The question that should be on everyone's mind is: can it read lips? 😉

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  • Apr 01, 2016 at 05:06 PM

    There's some evidence it can find lost socks: Official Google Australia Blog: Google Search for your socks

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